Category Archives: issues

Home, house, home, house….

Wow!  Is it May already?!  You know the saying about time flying and all, so I won’t bother with that cliche, but man!  Where does it go?

This post is not what most of you (the 3 of you) who read this blog really want, but it’s been on my mind so I thought I would throw this out there.  I promise to have a post with lots of pictures of my three cuties toot sweet!

I receive quotes from the church web site in my email and this really stood out to me and has got me thinking:

“An essential quality of the first pioneers was optimism, an ability to see new possibilities in a strange and unsettling environment. To beautify the desert, they needed faith in God, but they also needed faith in themselves and in their ability to help shape the world. The need for that faith has not diminished. . . .” ‘A pioneer is not [necessarily] a woman who makes her own soap’ or a man who grubs sagebrush from the land. Pioneers are those who take up their burdens and walk toward the future. With vision and with courage they make the desert blossom and they press on toward new frontiers.”  David B. Haight

Faith in ourselves….Make the desert blossom and they press on toward new frontiers.  Hmmmm, this does not describe me these past few months since we moved into this new house.  I’ve been faking it…badly.

I don’t like this house. 

I didn’t want to move.  

I am putting no effort into making this house a home for all of us.  It’s starting to show in everyone’s attitudes and I know it begins with me.  Don’t get me wrong, I am not a good housekeeper even in the best of circumstances, but now!  I’m barely keeping everyone safe and healthy in the mess we’re in.  It dawned on me last night that I’m marking time here.  We signed a two year lease and I’m just counting down;  much like a child rips those paper chains at Christmas…one month down, two, three, etc.  Just marking time.  What a waste, what a bad example to my children.

“Organize yourselves; prepare every needful thing; and establish a house, even a house of prayer, a house of fasting, a house of faith, a house of learning, a house of glory, a house of order, a house of God.” (D&C 88:119.)

No where in that scripture does it say, “But, you only have to do this if you like the house you are living in and are happy about your circumstances.”  I’m refusing to put this house in order because I’m mad that I’m here.  I’m refusing to make the “dessert blossom” because I’m sad that I’m here.  Again, what a waste.  My children are growing and learning and becoming in this house just as much as they were in the old house, but I’m not enjoying it as much because I’m too wrapped up in my own issues. 

I’ve gotten a ton of help from my friends in this move and and I see the “rightness” of the move and I have been given tons of positive reinforcement and kudos for doing such a “hard thing”, but the truth is…how hard was this really???  If I look at what has happened, it stinks and sure I would be happy to have my old house back, but it’s not the end of the world by any stretch.  The kids stayed in the same schools, we have room for everyone, we have a trampoline in the backyard and live next to a really neat walking path and creek.   I’m being stubborn and just refusing to put effort into this house.  What I’m coming to realize though (and what these quotes and scriptures have opened my mind to) is that I’m not putting the effort into the house, I’m putting the effort into a home for my family.  I’m putting the effort out for them, not the house. 

So, I post these pictures as a before so that when I get my HOME in order I can post the after and we can all be duely impressed with me! 😉  Let me add though, I by no means feel that a “neat and tidy” house makes a home (if it did I would be in BIG trouble), but I need to have the attitude of this as our home.  I need to hang pictures and make memories here.  I need to appreciate this house and what it means for our family.  Know what I mean?

As for me…from now on I am going to “take up” my burdens and “walk toward the future.”

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Filed under domestic goddess, issues, Julie, parenting

Sleeping like a baby

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All I can say is that I have wanted for my entire life to look like this when I sleep.  ALL MY LIFE.  Instead, I, the mother of this child, look like a drooling, squished faced, crazy haired zombie.  Without even wanting too or trying she looks like this:

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It’s not even fair.

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Filed under babies, dream life, Emma, issues, Julie

Symbolic

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Filed under issues, Julie

Easily influenced.

I am very easily influenced.  Seriously.  Not that I don’t have strong opinions about things, but in a day to day world, I can start to see another side of an argument in like two seconds. 

The last two days the older kiddos have been sick.  Really sick.  With the sickness I hate the most….stomach sickness.  I hate throwing up.  I hate it to the point that I would rather lay in pain and nausea than get up and let loose….even if I would feel better.  I hate it. 

So, that being said, I’m feeling weird today.  My stomach is kinda gushy and I’m wondering…really sick or easily influenced?????

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Filed under issues, Julie, sickness

I’m tired

I’m tired.  I’m tired of being the parent.  Of being the one to make decisions.  The one who is responsible.  I’m tired.

I was laying on my bed tonight while the girls were in the shower watching the sun fade and the colors of the night sky among the trees.  Dusk is my favorite time of day.  I remember doing the exact same thing in my bedroom at home in Long Beach and tonight I wanted to be that girl again….just laying there watching the dusk approach night.

I need to get my act together…

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Filed under issues, Julie, tired, waste of time

20 years….

A lot can happen in 20 years.  20 years ago I was getting ready to start my senior year of high school at Long Beach Polytechnic.  Yes, you guessed it!  My 20 year high school reunion is next Summer.  I just got the e-mail with the date and location. 

Can I tell you how this has just rocked my world?  Even recently, if I heard someone talking about a 20 year reunion I would think they were pretty old.  You know, mature and very settled in their life….old.  That is not me.  I mean, I don’t think that is me.  No, I’m definitely not mature.

Here is the thing….I’m totally starting to do that girl thing when it comes to events like this.  I’m thinking about how I look.  I’m also thinking about my accomplishments (or lack there of) alittle too, but mostly my looks.  Specifically my weight.  I really don’t want to go to the reunion fat.  Here are my options as I see them:

1.  Have surgery..lipo, band, something quick and requires little more from me than just showing up.

2.  Be pregnant at the reunion.  I don’t drink anyways and that is a great reason to be plump.

3.  Be secure in myself enough to have a great time regardless of my weight.

4.  Adopt a healthy lifestyle, loose weight and gain confidence through hard work and good food choices.

Yeah, I’m thinking #2 too.   Just kidding….maybe????

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Filed under issues, Julie, pregnancy, reunion, weight

Amber

Well, I’m not at church today and I should probably be there today more than any other day.  Today is the year anniversary of Amber’s death and I feel bad.  In fact, I’m probably wallowing in my bad and sad feelings more than I should be.  I just miss her and I miss our family the way we used to be before last Summer.  I guess it’s that feeling of a sudden realization that you are not immune to bad stuff happening, that you are a part of the world that suffers.  For me it was like jumping into a cold pool….really shocking at first and then just numb.  I know that without suffering I wouldn’t have the fullness of joy that the Lord wants me to have, but today I just feel sad.  Although, I have to admit that I’m feeling a lot of strong feelings today and I have to thank the Lord for that.  Connor, Gracie and Emma all climbed in her crib to “cuddle” together and when I found them all hugging and cuddling, I could’ve dropped to my knees from the overwhelming love I felt right then.  Would I feel so strongly that love if last Summer hadn’t happened?  I don’t know.  I just know that God knows what is going on and I have to have faith in that.  I have to have faith;I have to refine that faith so that I can function  on days like today.  I’ve been thinking that after this year, I’m not sure I want to recognize this day anymore.  I would rather remember her birthday or the first time I met her (when she was 2) or the first time she held each of my children.  Today is just hard.  I feel heavy from the weight of it.  The physical symptoms of grief are amazing.  The utter weight of it is a physical sensation that I did not completely understand before.  It takes a lot of work to grieve and it’s not fun.  Chris is doing so well.  He is such a good example to our children and myself.  He is at church today and took all the kiddos.  He knows where he can find comfort and peace and here I sit.  At the computer.  Crying.  I am not making good choices. 

Amber, I miss you.  I miss you sassing me and everyone around you.  I miss your affection for my kids.  I miss your hugs.  I miss trying to give you advice you wanted nothing to do with.  I miss your temper.  I miss your devotion and loyalty to all those you loved.  I just miss you….warts and all.

I’m gonna go eat something and clean.

Thanks for listening.

 

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Filed under Amber, Chris, church, Connor, Emma, family, Gracie, issues, Julie