Well, I’m not at church today and I should probably be there today more than any other day.  Today is the year anniversary of Amber’s death and I feel bad.  In fact, I’m probably wallowing in my bad and sad feelings more than I should be.  I just miss her and I miss our family the way we used to be before last Summer.  I guess it’s that feeling of a sudden realization that you are not immune to bad stuff happening, that you are a part of the world that suffers.  For me it was like jumping into a cold pool….really shocking at first and then just numb.  I know that without suffering I wouldn’t have the fullness of joy that the Lord wants me to have, but today I just feel sad.  Although, I have to admit that I’m feeling a lot of strong feelings today and I have to thank the Lord for that.  Connor, Gracie and Emma all climbed in her crib to “cuddle” together and when I found them all hugging and cuddling, I could’ve dropped to my knees from the overwhelming love I felt right then.  Would I feel so strongly that love if last Summer hadn’t happened?  I don’t know.  I just know that God knows what is going on and I have to have faith in that.  I have to have faith;I have to refine that faith so that I can function  on days like today.  I’ve been thinking that after this year, I’m not sure I want to recognize this day anymore.  I would rather remember her birthday or the first time I met her (when she was 2) or the first time she held each of my children.  Today is just hard.  I feel heavy from the weight of it.  The physical symptoms of grief are amazing.  The utter weight of it is a physical sensation that I did not completely understand before.  It takes a lot of work to grieve and it’s not fun.  Chris is doing so well.  He is such a good example to our children and myself.  He is at church today and took all the kiddos.  He knows where he can find comfort and peace and here I sit.  At the computer.  Crying.  I am not making good choices. 

Amber, I miss you.  I miss you sassing me and everyone around you.  I miss your affection for my kids.  I miss your hugs.  I miss trying to give you advice you wanted nothing to do with.  I miss your temper.  I miss your devotion and loyalty to all those you loved.  I just miss you….warts and all.

I’m gonna go eat something and clean.

Thanks for listening.




Filed under Amber, Chris, church, Connor, Emma, family, Gracie, issues, Julie

5 responses to “Amber

  1. Sarah

    Thank you for this Julie. It’s good to know others have days like this too. We found out about Baden’s MD the day after my birthday. I hated my birthday for several years. It just brought hard, sad memories that I didn’t want to have to feel anymore. I finally made a decision that I couldn’t keep marking that day – every year it was like I was having an anniversary for something I didn’t want to celebrate. This past birthday was the first since Baden was three that I just enjoyed being here, not feeling sorry about the hard things I have to deal with in my life. We’re each given trials to go through, it’s up to us to decide how we’re going to respond. You are wonderful and I’m so glad I have the opportunity to call you my friend.

  2. jdhess71

    Sarah your words have done more for me than you can know. I’m hoping that in the future I respond to my trials with a little more grace than I did yesterday, but your support is amazing. I know this is the last thing you want to hear, but you are truly an example to me and many other women that you know….whether you want to be or not! I just love you and your family and thank the Lord for your friendship and that of all my girlfriends daily.

  3. Tamara

    I also appreciated Sarah’s comments and agree with what Julie said about what an example Sarah is of how to handle adversity and hardship with grace. Julie, it’s completely understandable that on the first anniversary of Amber’s death you would be overwhelmed with the emotions you recall from that horrible time. I’m sure it will be a good opportunity for you and Chris and Amber’s parents to be able to spend time together so close to the anniversary and talk about the memories you have of her. Hopefully with the coming years you will be able to focus on the positive memories you have of Amber, rather then the tragic way her life ended. I do agree that it is through this horrible experiences that we appreciate our families and blessings even more.

  4. I’ve heard from others that the first anniversary is the hardest to get past. I can’t even imagine… Just remember that it’s OK to grieve in your own way. Even if it takes longer than others. Even if it means still being mad and sad sometimes. Even if you think it shouldn’t take so long. Sometimes it just does.

  5. jdhess71

    I just want to thank you all for your sweet words of encouragement. I love you all.

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