Well, I’m not at church today and I should probably be there today more than any other day. Today is the year anniversary of Amber’s death and I feel bad. In fact, I’m probably wallowing in my bad and sad feelings more than I should be. I just miss her and I miss our family the way we used to be before last Summer. I guess it’s that feeling of a sudden realization that you are not immune to bad stuff happening, that you are a part of the world that suffers. For me it was like jumping into a cold pool….really shocking at first and then just numb. I know that without suffering I wouldn’t have the fullness of joy that the Lord wants me to have, but today I just feel sad. Although, I have to admit that I’m feeling a lot of strong feelings today and I have to thank the Lord for that. Connor, Gracie and Emma all climbed in her crib to “cuddle” together and when I found them all hugging and cuddling, I could’ve dropped to my knees from the overwhelming love I felt right then. Would I feel so strongly that love if last Summer hadn’t happened? I don’t know. I just know that God knows what is going on and I have to have faith in that. I have to have faith;I have to refine that faith so that I can function on days like today. I’ve been thinking that after this year, I’m not sure I want to recognize this day anymore. I would rather remember her birthday or the first time I met her (when she was 2) or the first time she held each of my children. Today is just hard. I feel heavy from the weight of it. The physical symptoms of grief are amazing. The utter weight of it is a physical sensation that I did not completely understand before. It takes a lot of work to grieve and it’s not fun. Chris is doing so well. He is such a good example to our children and myself. He is at church today and took all the kiddos. He knows where he can find comfort and peace and here I sit. At the computer. Crying. I am not making good choices.
Amber, I miss you. I miss you sassing me and everyone around you. I miss your affection for my kids. I miss your hugs. I miss trying to give you advice you wanted nothing to do with. I miss your temper. I miss your devotion and loyalty to all those you loved. I just miss you….warts and all.
I’m gonna go eat something and clean.
Thanks for listening.